The Stamas Bros (Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle), desperate to reclaim their position of being popular advocates for Stamas Bros everywhere, are at a rapid pace experimenting with ways to reconnect once more with the fans.
How do the Fans Feel?
As the Stamas Bros Fan Club President (who wanted her name redacted) sums it up:
“I used to be the Stamas Bros’ biggest fan. There was a time when I was willing to do almost anything for the bros, including not going to City College and living in my parents’ basement so I could dedicate myself full time to Bro-dum. But after reading the last two posts by Stamas Bro Homer, I’m rethinking my position of being an S.B. fan. I’m considering becoming a J.S.F.B.I.L.F.H.R. (John Stamos Fan Because I Like “Full House” Reruns).”
[She holds back the tears.]
“I think they’ve got it in reverse calling themselves S.B., a more accurate title would be B.S.!
[She begins to all out wail]
Empathetic Guest Blogger
In keeping with full disclosure, this blog entry is being written by me, a Guest Blogger, who is a former Stamas Bro fan who still has empathy for the brothers and is hoping they bounce back.
The Reason for the Fall from Grace is Discovered
Wait. This just in. I have received an email on my phone stating that The Stamas Bros have pinpointed the main reason for their fall from grace. Now that they know the reason they can be proactive. The reason for the recent lack of interest in the Bros is that they are no longer perceived as being funny.
Taking Action Stamas Style
Lack of comedic ability being uncovered as to why the Stamas Bros aren’t the most popular Stamas Bros anymore, has lead to Homer and Aristotle taking action.
The action taken by the Bros is that they have hired a humor expert whose specialty is working with folks with the last name Stamas (and especially brothers). This expert had tried to make it as a standup comic but failed and now was carving out for himself a new consulting niche.
Hello Stamas Bros Fans. This is Stamas Bro Homer (the Offical Stamas Bros Documenter) with a read at your own risk disclaimer.
The problem started when I began to read out loud to my 10 year old a work-in-progress version of the story you are about to peruse. I hadn’t even gotten to the second short paragraph from the top when Stamas Daughter Anne held up her hand.
“Stop. How long do you think this is going to take the average reader to get through?”
“I don’t know. Maybe 5 minutes or so.”
“That’s going to be a waste of 5 minutes for the fans. The fans like the Stamas Bros because their website makes them laugh. This new piece you’ve been hawking to me is indeed laughable, but for all the wrong reasons. Bottom line, it’s not funny in any way. Destroy it before you tarnish the Stamas Bros brand as being something they can depend on for a chuckle.”
I tried to reason with Stamas Daughter Anne, citing examples from the absurdist literature canon. I begged her to consider the possibility that my written work functioned as a kind of long form joke.
She would have no part of it and went back to baking a key lime pie. I wanted a slice of it myself once it was finished, so I bit my tongue.
A Few Hours Later
I read the forthcoming tale to myself. I was convinced of its value even if it was flawed and probably had less yucks in it than the average Stamas Bros Installment. So here it is:
A Third Stamas Bro Appears on the Scene and Questions his Own Stamasness
“V” is believed to be the half brother of Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle. “V” has recently been deprogrammed from a life of gang violence. His posse proclivity comes from a deep seated need to belong. The hope is that if he is indeed related to the famous Stamas Bros then maybe being around them will give him a sense of belonging, of importance.
“V” Comes with Lots of Maintenance
“V” needs to heal and get back on the healthy track to becoming an attorney or accountant. The last sentence was very important. Let’s say it again. REPEAT “V” must become and attorney or accountant (or even a phsycian).
This is the plan of “V’s” mother and especially his father (who is allegedly the missing dad of Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle). V’s parents are very strict about the rule that under NO CONDITION shall he be ALLOWED to become an artist. REPEAT he is NOT to be CREATIVE in any way!
A First Meeting Fraught with Trouble
When “V” meets with the Stamas Bros for the first time Stamas Bro Homer is there live and in person with “V,” but Stamas Bro Aristotle is being Skyped in from North Fork (near Fresno) as he asks “V” the unaskable:
“Hey “V.” How come they just call you the letter after “U?”
“V,” looking anguished, slips to the floor and curls up into the fetal position while starting to softly cry. Then he looks up like a puddle on a dewy morn and utters:
“Because I h-h-hate my real name. It’s V-V-Vasilios!”
A Second Meeting with “V”
For the following “getting to know you” session about a week later, Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle (via Skype) meet with SHBV at a Greek Diner.
Stamas Bro Homer is trying to appear very upbeat as he questions out loud:
“Isn’t it great we’re in a GREEK Diner in Little GREECE?”
Stamas Bro Homer flips through the menu as he continues to speak without thinking.
“I love the GREEK arches design on this menu. I think I’m going to have the GREEK salad, maybe with a side dish of GREEK olives. I was originally planning on going to England this summer but now instead I think I’m going to go to G-“
Says Stamas Half Bro Vasilios abruptly finishing the word for Stamas Bro Homer.
“V” appears to have a very different demeanor this week and is slathered in olive oil, his biceps bulging.
He gets within just inches of Stamas Bro Homer and speaks softly and menacingly.
“What gives Bro, Stamas Bro?”
Then Vasilios speaks menacingly softly.
“Are ya trying to make me feel welcome? Huh?! Are you tryin’ to make this half breed feel as if he belongs?!”
Vasilios jumps up onto the table, now with every eye in the joint on him.
“Listen up folks. Meet my long lost half brothers who are tryin’ to make me – only half Greek – feel as though I belong!”
Stamas Bro Aristotle nods to Stamas Bro Homer. Stamas Bro Homer returns the nod and then pulls out from his pocket a white card with something printed on it that we cannot see.
Homer hands the card to Aristotle. Aristotle looks down at the card (the face of which we still can’t see) and nods in reaction to what he views.
Aristotle hands the card to Stamas Half Bro Vasilios, just in the nick of time, because Vasilios has started to dance for money and is about to remove his shirt.
Stamas Bro Aristotle locks eyes with Vasilios. Their eyes locked, Stamas Bro Aristotle tries to hand the card to Vasilios whose hand keeps missing grabbing the card from him (because he can’t see where the card is located being that their eyes are locked).
Finally Vasilios, manages to grab the card from Aristotle and looks down at it.
He then begins a primal scream as the card face up drops to the floor and he soon follows.
Stamas Bro Homer pleads with Stamas Half Bro Vasilios.
“I just wanted to show you that I – Homer – and Aristotle have a lot in common with you Vasilios. That’s why I put symbolic versions of each of us three in a row. From the left to right Homer, Aristotle and Vasilios. I used a statue head to represent me – Homer – and one for Aristotle. But I couldn’t find a statue head of Vasilios so I just put a picture of that guy who played soccer.”
Homer motions to toward the face up card. But the damage had been done. Turns out Stamas Half Bro Vasilios wasn’t a soccer fan, but did have a passion for politics and therefore would have preferred that the photo used to represent him was of the late Vasilios Magginas.
Who knew that the simple act of being asked to write a bio for an amateur production of “I Claudius” (in Patchogue, Long Island in his 2nd cousin’s basement) would end so badly. Stamas Bro Homer starts his short biography for the homemade playbill with the line “I’m Stamas Bro Homer of the famous Stamas Bros…”
The program was being put together by his 2nd cousin’s mother and when Stamas Bro Homer hands in his info to her, she adjusts her spectacles and reads out loud:
“I’m Stamas Bro Homer of the famous Stamas Bros.”
The mom lowers the piece of paper that she is reading from and exclaims “I’ve never heard of the Stamas Bros. Who are they?”
Stamas Bro Homer at first tries to laugh it off.
“Oh come now Mrs. parent of my 2nd cousin, surely you jest. THE Stamas Bros, you’re telling me you’ve never heard of THE FAMOUS Stamas Bros who live 3,000 miles apart? One bro in Inwood, NYC and the other bro in North Fork near Fresno?”
“Never heard of them.”
Stamas Bro Homer grabs his neck as he starts to gag.
“Water. I need Wa…”
Suddenly he falls to the floor and goes unconscious.
When Bro H. wakes up, he find himself wrapped in a blanket in a hospital bed. There is an open laptop computer on the side table. No one other than Stamas Bro Homer is in the room, but Stamas Bro Aristotle’s face is seen on the laptop screen via remote video. He has a look of concern.
“Feeling better buddy?”
“Where am I?”
“You’re in the er…you’re in the hospital.”
“How did your yoga camp go?”
“Pretty well. Eight of ten of my students achieved everlasting inner peace. The two who didn’t were hyper on processed sugar. I tried having them drink some wheat grass juice but they refused. They said that if they couldn’t both eat sweets and achieve a state of enlightenment at the same time, then they didn’t need that tired old nirvana. I reminded them it wasn’t a nirva seminar but rather an inner peace one, but by that time they had left in search of more confections.”
Suddenly Stamas Bro Homer looks at a nearby clock.
“Oh my goodness. I have to get out to Patchogue right away. I’m in “I Claudius” tonight. I’m playing the dual role of Quintus Justus and the Guard. It’s really stretching me as an artist. We’re holding scripts in the performance so our instruments can be free. I’ve been practicing in front of the mirror and experimenting with playing Quintus with a cockney accent. Though tonight I think I’ll try out a Southern drawl.
H starts speaking with a Southern accent.
“What am I to do?”
Then he switches to a cockney accent.
“Ello, gov’nor, what am I to do?”
He looks toward Stamas Bro Aristotle on the laptop screen.
“Which do you like better?”
“Sorry bro, I have to run. Gotta do a coaching session.”
Bro Aristotle steps away and is no longer seen on the computer screen.
Stamas Bro Homer, alone on the bed, sits up. He looks around at the empty room. He then peers down and as they blanket falls off of him, noticing for the first time that he is in a straight jacket. He begins to rant.
“The Stamas Bros ARE famous! They’ve got THREE search engine results on the FIRST PAGE for the keword “Stamas Bros.” They’re on the first page I tell you! On the first page!”
Hello Stamas Bros fans and haters. If you are a hater we hope you’ll become a fan and if you are a fan we respectfully request that you stay one. Why? Because united we can forge ahead with the important Stamas Bros mission of uniting all Stamas Bros worldwide!
And the good news is that the definition of Stamas Bros has become more inclusive of those who were not born Stamas Bros in terms of their last name. You could be a Jones, or a Smith or even a Baryshnikov and still be a part of the fun. We celebrate your right to be recognized as a Stamas Bro if you so desire.
And now our special announcement. We are going to open up the Stamas Bros mission to include the Universe. This means those from solar systems both known and unknown can qualify to call themselves a Stamas Bro. Yes, because of the expanded Bros definition we are open to bringing into the fold martians, space beings and even tribbles.
If you are as old as we are or if you are a vintage sci-fi fan you know that tribbles were featured in “The Trouble with Tribbles” which was the name the 44th episode of the American science fiction television series Star Trek, which was also the 15th episode of the second season. It was first broadcast in the United States on December 29, 1967, on NBC.
We mention the tribbles lore because recently a group of these furry creatures were advocating at Stamas Bros headquarters that they be recognized as Stamas Bros or at least first cousins. Although we suggested first cousins once removed, they wouldn’t have it.
Suddenly the tribble activists increased in number right in front of our very eyes and filled the room. Intimidated with mountains of fluff that just kept getting bigger we caved in and now many of these adorable (yet menacing because of their claustrophobia inducing predisposition to randomly procreate in minutes) “big cotton ball look-alikes” are touting the Stamas Bros name with the pride befitting these adorable puffies.
As the room came to a hush and the fur grew, the tribbles had just one more request. They stated that they considered themselves artists in terms of their ability to multiply and knew that one of the Stamas Bros was known for his entrepreneurial workshops for creatives. In short, the tribbles wanted to learn how to become ArtisticPreneurs. Their wish was granted and soon after they got an endowment to create a performance art piece entitled “Help” that could only be viewed in its entirety from an aerial perspective. The tribbles had formed themselves into three giant letters: S.O.S.
For those of you who are not a Stamas Bro or don’t even have the Stamas last name, we’ve come up with a phrase that can help you properly pronounce “Stamas.” The phrase is what our mission is which is “Stamas Promise.” So in other words, if you pronounce “Stamas” so that it rhymes with “Promise” you’ll be pronouncing Stamas properly. It’s as easy as that!
And as mentioned the “Stamas Promise” is our mission. We promise to bring you the best in Stamas blog posts and more. Our vision is a world where people properly pronounce our last name, not as Stamos but as Stamas. Imagine if you went up to John Stamos and called him Mr. Stamas. He might get upset and not pose for a selfie.