We are in search of the Stamas Bros. We do not know where they have gone. Last we know of any communication from them, was a month ago with the package. But then they vanished and the only clue as to where they have gone was a photo of a green lit club as seen above.
What Does Green Mean in this Instance?
Those who have been analyzing the case believe that the color green is somehow linked to their location. We are hoping that by publishing this file that those of you out there might have some ideas as to what the picture means.
There is a reward for the person who provides the most useful clues as to where the bros of gone. Until next time, at least for the moment, we have lost track of Homer and Aristotle.
This is a gift for you from the Stamas Bros. If you can guess what it is, that means you get it. She might not get it. He might not get it. But you get it. And that’s all that matters because after all, this gift is for YOU. For the answer to the question “What is in the box?” tune in next time.
Stamas Bro Aristote was upset. He had just been to a convention called N.T.S. (New Thought Symposium) and discovered something unfortunate. He found out that even though Armageddon didn’t come as scheduled in the year 2000, now that it was 2019, it apparently was soon to be upon us. Too soon. Bro Seeks Advice of Bro
Hot off the press in the latest issue of the “Apocalyptic Daily” (passed out at the symposium) it was revealed that doomsday was scheduled for the day after tomorrow. Aristotle had a music gig scheduled that night making a meltdown and total obliteration pretty darn inconvenient.
Bro to Bro Solution
Below is Stamas Bro Aristotle after finding out that just around the corner that the Earth (as we know it) would no longer exist. He had worked hard on his songs so he went to Stamas Bro Homer asking him for advice.
Stamas Homer’s advice on coping with the end of civilization in his own words:
“My suggestion would be to go back to the New Thought Symposium and visit their vendor booths ranging from psychics to gurus. Maybe one of them has “divine insight” that is less cataclysmic.”
Seeking a Better Outcome
So Stamas Bro Aristotle, feeling a bit more peppy, went to the New Thought Symposium again and as seen below he discovered that outside of the building, the police were getting ready in case there was a peaceful demonstration.
Once inside the building the first booth Stamas Bro Aristotle visited was that of a vendor named Marty the Martian. Marty’s booth was dedicated to offering mars as an alternative to climbing a mountain when the flooding comes.
Asking the Tough Question
Stamas Bro Aristotle crossed his fingers behind his back and with trepidation asked the question as to when the Earth was going to explode. Marty admitted he didn’t know for sure so he suggested that Aristotle should talk to his parents who were well versed on the topic.
Mom and Dad Martian are Questioned
So Stamas Bro Aristotle met with Marty’s parents, Madge and Sinclair. They told Aristotle that the end of the world as we know it was not going to happen until after USA’s 2020 election.
Fresh from a workout at Average BROZ Gymnasium (Google it!) in Las Vegas, Stamas Bro Aristotle (left) and Stamas Bro Homer (right) are both extremely modest about showing their physiques. But finally, with enough coaxing (from a tourist they found to take a picture), they go shirtless in a completely “impromptu” publicity shot.
Find the Emoji
If you look carefully at the bottom right of the above picture you’ll also see the Stamas Bros’ buddy, Emo the Powerlifting Emoji. Emo is also an Emoji Rights Activist and thinks emojis need to be taken more seriously and not just be random inserts in your emails, texts and more.
In Their Pads
What are Stamas Bro Aristotle and Stamas Bro Homer doing in the big “V?” For the answer to this we have to go back two weeks when Stamas Bro Homer was at home in New York, NY preparing to teach an NYC Workshop and Stamas Bro Aristotle was in his pad in the EXACT center of California (true location!).
The Bros Plan a Gig
The Stamas Bros had just finished their weekly Skype call regarding their next career move. They knew that in order to take things to the next level Stamas Bro Aristotle needed to take out his guitar and Stamas Bro Homer would have to put his NYC Workshop aside and instead dig up his magic wand. And most importantly they felt they needed to get booked for a “magic music” gig in Las Vegas, Nevada!
Fans, Where are the Fans?
Unfortunately after calling around to the clubs in L.V., none of them were interested in a magical music revue featuring the Stamas Bros, that is if the Bros could even get through to the decision maker. You see, the reality of the bros is that they have exactly one fan who consists of Stamas Bro Homers’ barber’s friend’s father married to a wife who asked the question of her sister’s girlfriend “are these guys for real?” But even she had abandoned ship citing that the bros weren’t as funny as they used to be because they had gotten too self promotional!
But Stamas Bro Homer was oblivious to essentially having no fans and felt he was a master prestidigitator, sometimes calling himself a Web Design Magician. Therefore he blocked out the truth and thought that the reason booking agents had been hanging up on him was because they were so eager to get to work on the bros’ behalf, that they did away with the niceties and hung up on Stamas Bro Homer as a way to gain a few extra minutes of bro promotion time! As the sixth booking agent hung up on him Stamas Bro Homer he said to himself “Wow, that’s dedication to the bros!”
The Bros Don’t Want to Have to Actually Physically Go to Las Vegas
The Stamas Bros had just had a long distance conference about their plan to headline in Vegas as musicians and magicians. They agreed it would probably be easier to do their performances remotely using video cameras from their locations on either coasts. Therefore the audience would be staring at a monitor featuring them. Most importantly is that they wanted to be able to continue their current life styles without having to actually physically go to Las Vegas, Nevada!
Vegas Remote Appearance or Vegas In Person?
After the Skype call, Homer again called the booking agents. But as fate would have it the booking agent he got on the phone had just gotten a divorce and was really sarcastic about everything. So when speaking with Homer the booking agent was so amused of by Stamas Bro Homer’s naivete about the workings of show business that he demanded on the spot that the Bros not do their show remotely but to come out to Vegas now and test the waters. He said all these things in a very demeaning manner trying to hold back his giggles, but Homer didn’t notice.
Back to the Present
So here we are in Vegas a week later with both Bros and their friend Emo ready to audition for the booking agent. Stamas Bro Homer was so in denial that he thought the sarcastic agent was serous about wanting them to come out to Las Vegas and show their work including a new section to their act featuring Stamas Bro Homer as a Web Design Magician. But most importantly, Emo the Power Lifting Emoji had been added to the act as a back up dancer!
And it turns out that Stamas Bro Homer had PhotoShopped the bros’ heads on different bodies which both Homer and Aristotle thought would be a great publicity shot because as Vegas headliners it was important to have six packs. Tune in next time as the Bros come head to head with Monthy Python!
Please note that the following article is completely devoid of a sense of humor. So if you find yourself chuckling, this was not the intent of the author and he asks that you kindly frown and mope around, masking the desire to giggle (especially if it’s for the wrong reasons).
The Tension Mounts
Stamas Bro Homer, who lives in NYC, although well into his 50’s, suddenly realizes he is over the age of the big “5 – 0” and has a mental breakdown complete with seeing spirals and everything! Turns out the main cause of him becoming a basket case is that because of losing his mind he hasn’t been able to finally get down to to the point of writing the post you are reading right now!
At All Cost
Keeping the StamasBros.com brand alive is extremely important to Stamas Bro Homer, so once being locked up in an insane asylum didn’t help matters. He had just been asked to consult on the Platinum PIAs, but that was simply a distant memory at the moment, tick tock tick tock. The goal was to use any kind of therapy necessary so he could be rehabilitated to the point of being able to continue composing this article.
Stamas Bro Aristotle, who resides in the exact center of California (it’s marked by a stone, seriously), had to go a little “off center” in order to drive to the airport to then come into New York City to check in on his brother. Once in the Big Apple, and on his way to the institution Homer is being kept in, Aristotle purchases a postcard that has on it the phrase “Greetings from New York.” Hmmm.
Could Take a While
Meanwhile, the members of the psychiatric staff supervising Stamas Bro Homer, are attempting to bring him back to sanity by using Goatee Therapy. This therapy takes a while because the patient has to actually grow a goatee beard.
Too Bad it Wasn’t as Simple as Resting Easy and Drinking Lots of Fluids
What the staff didn’t anticipate was that Homer’s beard would have grey specks in it, which because he was experiencing Age-Itis withdrawals, merely sent Stamas Bro Homer more deeply into his psychosis. He had an impaired relationship with reality complete with hallucinations and delusions about his birth date as well as falsely believing he is really-really good at playing Monopoly, Sponge Bob Edition. Or for that matter, the Pokemon one.
Stamas Bro Aristotle was now in a cab on his way to the mental institution while the staff in the hospital room with Homer try another strategy. This time they dye his hair and beard dark brown to match his natural hair color in an attempt to fake him into into thinking he is twenty years younger.
Unfortunately Stamas Bro Homer Still Has Problems
In the next installment of the Stamas Bros we have a lot of questions to answer: will hair/beard dying work as a therapy? Or it just make a mess that’s hard to clean up? Can Stamas Bro Aristotle bring Homer back to reality with Shamanism? Or is it Animism? Not quite sure. Will the Stamas Bros still be able to consult on the Platinum PIAs? And why did Aristotle purchase a “Greetings from New York” postcard? Who does he intend to send it to? But I digress. The most important question of all is “When will Stamas Bro Homer ever get a chance to actually write the post you are now reading?!”
The Stamas Bros were in a pickle. They are over 50? No, that’s not the pickle they’re in, it is that they have a new manager representing both of them. This “Guru”was formerly in the New Age Biz (before the term became antiquated) and had been known as “The 15 Year Old Perfect Master,” a popular guru in Southern and Northern California.
Needing a New Title
But once he turned 16 he could no longer bill himself as “The 15 Year Old Perfect Master” and the problem was that “The 16 Year Old Perfect Master” didn’t have the same ring to it. Kind of like the Platinum PIAs Awards trying to come up with a new name. Each one they try doesn’t seem to stick.
Mom Comes to the Rescue
So he was facing a big challenge as to what his profession should be now. He almost decided on becoming a welder. In fact he was in the process of purchasing a protective mask when he got a phone call from his mother who suggested that he stay in show biz (and being a “New Age” guru IS show biz) and become a talent manager instead.
Pickle, Pickle, Who Wants a Pickle?
Years later at age 35, he was a successful artist’s rep and saw the potential in the Stamas Bros and their internet wackiness and therefore approached them to become their representative because he liked their Over 50 USA humor (loosely called that, very loosely). This was not how the Stamas Bros were in a pickle though.
The Stamas Bros were in a pickle because just when their manager booked them to be interviewed by Over50USA.com both brothers, Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle, were suffering from a simultaneous and severe case of denial in the form of them believing they were in their mid thirties and not in their mid fifties and therefore put up a fight about being interviewed by Over50USA.
Getting in Touch with Your Inner Child
Because Stamas Bro Homer lived in New York City and Stamas Bro Aristotle resided in the exact center of California, their manager had set up a group phone call with them to be interviewed by Liz Fontaine, the reporter for Over50USA. Ms. Fontaine had ironically just come out of an intense 12 hour therapy session trying to come to terms that she herself was 51.
How NOT to Deal with Someone Having a Hard Time with Aging
So when the Stamas Bros, on the group phone call, claimed to be 35 and fraternal twins, it caused Fontaine to question her own issues and she lost it and threw a tantrum. The breakdown was about her claim that the bros were being selfish claiming to be 35 because it caused her problems with her own self image.
A “Split” (not to be confused with 60’s slang meaning departure)
She went on further to reveal that because she had finally come to terms that she was 51 (and even joined AARP) that the bros were being thoughtless with mid thirties claim. Lizzy asserted that the bros were responsible for causing her to question her own self image causing a SPLIT in her psyche.
A Tireless Alignment with Youthfulness
The Stamas Bros apologized for causing Lizzy to have a panic attack but stood firm with their story of both being 35. Since one of the Bros founded the Platinum PIAs and the PIAs as of this writing have been around a decade, the PIAs producer even went as far as saying he was 25 when he did his first show!
Bye Bye Liz
When the mental institution paddy wagon came to pick up Liz, she had regressed even more so, believing she was 18 and just graduating from high school so she had to get a blue cap and gown because her school color was blue. Fortunately the paddy wagon attendants had gotten the heads up and came with a blue cap and gown used as bait to get her into a straitjacket.
And So it Goes
The Stamas Bros never did do the Over50USA interview and have registered for a T.S.C. (Thirty Something Cruise).
The Stamas Bros are thrilled to announce that BigFoot Zombie has come out of hiding to work with them on developing a promotional campaign for the brand new website “How to Get New Customers” located at HowToGetNewCustomers.com.
Promoting a Website
The brand new website “How to Get New Customers” at HowToGetNewCustomers.com, has let it be known that they have sollicted marketing help from the offbeat group the Stamas Bros (who do online marketing arts projects) as well as the notorious BigFoot Zombie descendent, BigFoot Zombie the third (or as he likes to call himself, “The Footster”).
Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle, who each head up a respective media company, have joined forces to launch the How to Get New Customers site. But already the bros are at odds with each other regarding what the website should be called. Should it be How to Get New Customers or How to Get New Clients?
“Client” Versus “Customer”
Stamas Bro Aristotle thinks the domain URL should use the word “Client,” while Stamas Bro Homer thinks it should be “Customer.” One Stamas Bro feels “client” is the term most likely to have a good result, while the othe bro thinks that client is limiting and can only be used with certain kinds of customers (ironic use). Whereas the word “Customers,” Homer goes on to say is more universal, fitting many kinds of patrons.
A Slice and Advice
The Stamas Bros, agreeing to disagree, go out for a slice. While eating their New York City perfection at Palace Pizza in Inwood Manhattan, BigFoot Zombie is giving them an earful and is getting more and more agitated.
Bros, you have to understand, your client is “How to Get New CUSTOMERS,” not “How to Get New CLIENTS.”
See, he used the word “client” not “customer.”
BigFoot Zombie throws up his hands (not throws up on his hands) in despair deciding that the marketing world is not for him. He then promptly goes back into hiding in the woods to do his old job of being caught on camera in very fuzzy photos so you can’t tell if he’s real or not.
A Fortune Teller Helps
The bros find an alleged psychic who Stamas Bro Homer doesn’t believe in because Homer is a part time magician and just like Houdini did in his day, reveals the shams. But just as he is about to turn on the lights and show Stamas Bro Aristotle that the so called clairvoyant is producing the “spiritual” phosphorescence with a glow in the dark cloth attached to a string from a stick, he does not out the mystic. Why? Because the metaphysical woman is saying out loud to use “Customer” over “Client.”
All’s Well that Ends Well
Stamas Bro Homer comes up with a solution that pleases Stamas Bro Aristotle as they are heading to the airport. Homer “forwards” the domain name. If you type in (HowToGetNewCLIENTS.com it will jump to HowToGetNewCUSTOMERS.com (don’t put in “www”).
In what was supposed to be a joint effort of the Stamas Bros at the Stamas Bros Returns Live Show, Stamas Bro Euripides is the only bro that showed up. So on his own he revs up the fans singing the Spanish version of their Bros Anthem which is “Canción de los Hermanos.” But concert aside, following is info on both Bros as well as details on their new fan club. Now that they’re returning 8 or so months later they have a marketing strategy to take the Stamas Bros to the next level. But since they’re at no level, don’t worry about tripping on any stairs.
Job Titles of Stamas Bro Euripides
By profession Stamas Bro Euripides is an Awards Producer, Blogger, Internet Marketer, Mentalism Magician, Online Educator and Website Creator. With so many titles, it’s no wonder that he suffers from MPDSB (Multiple Personality Disorder for Stamas Bros). He used to have 6 personalities including Kevin Bacon’s third cousin once removed. But thankfully, through treatment now he only has two, which are himself and Obi-Wan Kenobi (you can call him Ben).
Stamas Bro Aristotles Job Descriptions
Stamas Bro Aristotle on the other hand has the job description of Singer, Songwriter, Guitarist, Kirbyman, Carpenter and Marketing Junkie. Wanting to make his job list more compact, Stamas Bro Aristotle is ready with a response when asked the question “What do you do?” Rather than saying all his vocations in a row, he responds with “Off Every Day.”
Each Stamas Bros’ Three Most Important Words
The three most important words to Stamas Bro Euripides are Magic, Marketing and USA. This probably why he sometimes repeats those words in his mind one at a time Magic, Marketing and USA. Repeat after me “Magic, Marketing and USA.” You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. You will join the Stamas Bros fan club…
On the other hand the three words that have meaning for Stamas Bro Aristotle are Music, Marketing and OED (“Off Every Day” is his band). Because his band is named “Off Every Day” if you attend one of his concerts he’s likely off that day so chances are you’ll be staring for an hour or so at an empty stage (which isn’t bad if you’re a Buddhist). But if you really dig Stamas Bro Aristotle and his music group, be sure to join his fan club at OffEveryDay.com. Though, again, he probably won’t answer his emails because…Well you know.
Two are Better than One
You’ll note that the word both Stamas Bros have in common is “marketing” which makes sense since they’re both website marketing guys. And for this reason fans of the brothers have put together a special promotion where you can join both of their fan clubs at the same time! This offer has inspired both bros and they are considering doing a male version of the popular ’80’s sitcom “Double Trouble.”
The Stamas Bros (Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle), desperate to reclaim their position of being popular advocates for Stamas Bros everywhere, are at a rapid pace experimenting with ways to reconnect once more with the fans.
How do the Fans Feel?
As the Stamas Bros Fan Club President (who wanted her name redacted) sums it up:
“I used to be the Stamas Bros’ biggest fan. There was a time when I was willing to do almost anything for the bros, including not going to City College and living in my parents’ basement so I could dedicate myself full time to Bro-dum. But after reading the last two posts by Stamas Bro Homer, I’m rethinking my position of being an S.B. fan. I’m considering becoming a J.S.F.B.I.L.F.H.R. (John Stamos Fan Because I Like “Full House” Reruns).”
[She holds back the tears.]
“I think they’ve got it in reverse calling themselves S.B., a more accurate title would be B.S.!
[She begins to all out wail]
Empathetic Guest Blogger
In keeping with full disclosure, this blog entry is being written by me, a Guest Blogger, who is a former Stamas Bro fan who still has empathy for the brothers and is hoping they bounce back.
The Reason for the Fall from Grace is Discovered
Wait. This just in. I have received an email on my phone stating that The Stamas Bros have pinpointed the main reason for their fall from grace. Now that they know the reason they can be proactive. The reason for the recent lack of interest in the Bros is that they are no longer perceived as being funny.
Taking Action Stamas Style
Lack of comedic ability being uncovered as to why the Stamas Bros aren’t the most popular Stamas Bros anymore, has lead to Homer and Aristotle taking action.
The action taken by the Bros is that they have hired a humor expert whose specialty is working with folks with the last name Stamas (and especially brothers). This expert had tried to make it as a standup comic but failed and now was carving out for himself a new consulting niche.
Hello Stamas Bros Fans. This is Stamas Bro Homer (the Offical Stamas Bros Documenter) with a read at your own risk disclaimer.
The problem started when I began to read out loud to my 10 year old a work-in-progress version of the story you are about to peruse. I hadn’t even gotten to the second short paragraph from the top when Stamas Daughter Anne held up her hand.
“Stop. How long do you think this is going to take the average reader to get through?”
“I don’t know. Maybe 5 minutes or so.”
“That’s going to be a waste of 5 minutes for the fans. The fans like the Stamas Bros because their website makes them laugh. This new piece you’ve been hawking to me is indeed laughable, but for all the wrong reasons. Bottom line, it’s not funny in any way. Destroy it before you tarnish the Stamas Bros brand as being something they can depend on for a chuckle.”
I tried to reason with Stamas Daughter Anne, citing examples from the absurdist literature canon. I begged her to consider the possibility that my written work functioned as a kind of long form joke.
She would have no part of it and went back to baking a key lime pie. I wanted a slice of it myself once it was finished, so I bit my tongue.
A Few Hours Later
I read the forthcoming tale to myself. I was convinced of its value even if it was flawed and probably had less yucks in it than the average Stamas Bros Installment. So here it is:
A Third Stamas Bro Appears on the Scene and Questions his Own Stamasness
“V” is believed to be the half brother of Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle. “V” has recently been deprogrammed from a life of gang violence. His posse proclivity comes from a deep seated need to belong. The hope is that if he is indeed related to the famous Stamas Bros then maybe being around them will give him a sense of belonging, of importance.
“V” Comes with Lots of Maintenance
“V” needs to heal and get back on the healthy track to becoming an attorney or accountant. The last sentence was very important. Let’s say it again. REPEAT “V” must become and attorney or accountant (or even a phsycian).
This is the plan of “V’s” mother and especially his father (who is allegedly the missing dad of Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle). V’s parents are very strict about the rule that under NO CONDITION shall he be ALLOWED to become an artist. REPEAT he is NOT to be CREATIVE in any way!
A First Meeting Fraught with Trouble
When “V” meets with the Stamas Bros for the first time Stamas Bro Homer is there live and in person with “V,” but Stamas Bro Aristotle is being Skyped in from North Fork (near Fresno) as he asks “V” the unaskable:
“Hey “V.” How come they just call you the letter after “U?”
“V,” looking anguished, slips to the floor and curls up into the fetal position while starting to softly cry. Then he looks up like a puddle on a dewy morn and utters:
“Because I h-h-hate my real name. It’s V-V-Vasilios!”
A Second Meeting with “V”
For the following “getting to know you” session about a week later, Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle (via Skype) meet with SHBV at a Greek Diner.
Stamas Bro Homer is trying to appear very upbeat as he questions out loud:
“Isn’t it great we’re in a GREEK Diner in Little GREECE?”
Stamas Bro Homer flips through the menu as he continues to speak without thinking.
“I love the GREEK arches design on this menu. I think I’m going to have the GREEK salad, maybe with a side dish of GREEK olives. I was originally planning on going to England this summer but now instead I think I’m going to go to G-“
Says Stamas Half Bro Vasilios abruptly finishing the word for Stamas Bro Homer.
“V” appears to have a very different demeanor this week and is slathered in olive oil, his biceps bulging.
He gets within just inches of Stamas Bro Homer and speaks softly and menacingly.
“What gives Bro, Stamas Bro?”
Then Vasilios speaks menacingly softly.
“Are ya trying to make me feel welcome? Huh?! Are you tryin’ to make this half breed feel as if he belongs?!”
Vasilios jumps up onto the table, now with every eye in the joint on him.
“Listen up folks. Meet my long lost half brothers who are tryin’ to make me – only half Greek – feel as though I belong!”
Stamas Bro Aristotle nods to Stamas Bro Homer. Stamas Bro Homer returns the nod and then pulls out from his pocket a white card with something printed on it that we cannot see.
Homer hands the card to Aristotle. Aristotle looks down at the card (the face of which we still can’t see) and nods in reaction to what he views.
Aristotle hands the card to Stamas Half Bro Vasilios, just in the nick of time, because Vasilios has started to dance for money and is about to remove his shirt.
Stamas Bro Aristotle locks eyes with Vasilios. Their eyes locked, Stamas Bro Aristotle tries to hand the card to Vasilios whose hand keeps missing grabbing the card from him (because he can’t see where the card is located being that their eyes are locked).
Finally Vasilios, manages to grab the card from Aristotle and looks down at it.
He then begins a primal scream as the card face up drops to the floor and he soon follows.
Stamas Bro Homer pleads with Stamas Half Bro Vasilios.
“I just wanted to show you that I – Homer – and Aristotle have a lot in common with you Vasilios. That’s why I put symbolic versions of each of us three in a row. From the left to right Homer, Aristotle and Vasilios. I used a statue head to represent me – Homer – and one for Aristotle. But I couldn’t find a statue head of Vasilios so I just put a picture of that guy who played soccer.”
Homer motions to toward the face up card. But the damage had been done. Turns out Stamas Half Bro Vasilios wasn’t a soccer fan, but did have a passion for politics and therefore would have preferred that the photo used to represent him was of the late Vasilios Magginas.