Stamas Bro Homer has a Panic Attack

Stamas Bros in "I Claudius"
This is a line drawing interpretation of the Patchogue Players’ production of “I Claudius” presented in a suburban Long Island basement in which Stamas Bro Homer plays the dual role of Quintus Justus and the Guard.

Who knew that the simple act of being asked to write a bio for an amateur production of “I Claudius” (in Patchogue, Long Island in his 2nd cousin’s basement) would end so badly. Stamas Bro Homer starts his short biography for the homemade playbill with the line “I’m Stamas Bro Homer of the famous Stamas Bros…”

The program was being put together by his 2nd cousin’s mother and when Stamas Bro Homer hands in his info to her, she adjusts her spectacles and reads out loud:

“I’m Stamas Bro Homer of the famous Stamas Bros.”

The mom lowers the piece of paper that she is reading from and exclaims “I’ve never heard of the Stamas Bros. Who are they?”

Stamas Bro Homer at first tries to laugh it off.

“Oh come now Mrs. parent of my 2nd cousin, surely you jest. THE Stamas Bros, you’re telling me you’ve never heard of THE FAMOUS Stamas Bros who live 3,000 miles apart? One bro in Inwood, NYC and the other bro in North Fork near Fresno?”

“Never heard of them.”

Stamas Bro Homer grabs his neck as he starts to gag.

“Water. I need Wa…”

Suddenly he falls to the floor and goes unconscious.

When Bro H. wakes up, he find himself wrapped in a blanket in a hospital bed. There is an open laptop computer on the side table. No one other than Stamas Bro Homer is in the room, but Stamas Bro Aristotle’s face is seen on the laptop screen via remote video. He has a look of concern.

“Feeling better buddy?”

“Where am I?”

“You’re in the er…you’re in the hospital.”

“How did your yoga camp go?”

“Pretty well. Eight of ten of my students achieved everlasting inner peace. The two who didn’t were hyper on processed sugar. I tried having them drink some wheat grass juice but they refused. They said that if they couldn’t both eat sweets and achieve a state of enlightenment at the same time, then they didn’t need that tired old nirvana. I reminded them it wasn’t a nirva seminar but rather an inner peace one, but by that time they had left in search of more confections.”

Suddenly Stamas Bro Homer looks at a nearby clock.

“Oh my goodness. I have to get out to Patchogue right away. I’m in “I Claudius” tonight. I’m playing the dual role of Quintus Justus and the Guard. It’s really stretching me as an artist. We’re holding scripts in the performance so our instruments can be free. I’ve been practicing in front of the mirror and experimenting with playing Quintus with a cockney accent. Though tonight I think I’ll try out a Southern drawl.

H starts speaking with a Southern accent.

“What am I to do?”

Then he switches to a cockney accent.

“Ello, gov’nor, what am I to do?”

He looks toward Stamas Bro Aristotle on the laptop screen.

“Which do you like better?”

“Sorry bro, I have to run. Gotta do a coaching session.”

Bro Aristotle steps away and is no longer seen on the computer screen.

Stamas Bro Homer, alone on the bed, sits up. He looks around at the empty room. He then peers down and as they blanket falls off of him, noticing for the first time that he is in a straight jacket. He begins to rant.

“The Stamas Bros ARE famous! They’ve got THREE search engine results on the FIRST PAGE for the keword “Stamas Bros.” They’re on the first page I tell you! On the first page!”

FIN

Uniting Stamas Bros Worldwide and Across the Universe

 

William Shatner helping the Stamas Bros clear their national "Bros" headquarters of Tribbles
William Shatner helping the Stamas Bros clear their national “Bros” headquarters of Tribbles

Hello Stamas Bros fans and haters. If you are a hater we hope you’ll become a fan and if you are a fan we respectfully request that you stay one. Why? Because united we can forge ahead with the important Stamas Bros mission of uniting all Stamas Bros worldwide!

And the good news is that the definition of Stamas Bros has become more inclusive of those who were not born Stamas Bros in terms of their last name. You could be a Jones, or a Smith or even a Baryshnikov and still be a part of the fun. We celebrate your right to be recognized as a Stamas Bro if you so desire.

And now our special announcement. We are going to open up the Stamas Bros mission to include the Universe. This means those from solar systems both known and unknown can qualify to call themselves a Stamas Bro. Yes, because of the expanded Bros definition we are open to bringing into the fold martians, space beings and even tribbles.

If you are as old as we are or if you are a vintage sci-fi fan you know that tribbles were featured in “The Trouble with Tribbles” which was the name the 44th episode of the American science fiction television series Star Trek, which was also the 15th episode of the second season. It was first broadcast in the United States on December 29, 1967, on NBC.

We mention the tribbles lore because recently a group of these furry creatures were advocating at Stamas Bros headquarters that they be recognized as Stamas Bros or at least first cousins. Although we suggested first cousins once removed, they wouldn’t have it.

Suddenly the tribble activists increased in number right in front of our very eyes and filled the room. Intimidated with mountains of fluff that just kept getting bigger we caved in and now many of these adorable (yet menacing because of their claustrophobia inducing predisposition to randomly procreate in minutes) “big cotton ball look-alikes” are touting the Stamas Bros name with the pride befitting these adorable puffies.

As the room came to a hush and the fur grew, the tribbles had just one more request. They stated that they considered themselves artists in terms of their ability to multiply and knew that one of the Stamas Bros was known for his entrepreneurial workshops for creatives. In short, the tribbles wanted to learn how to become ArtisticPreneurs. Their wish was granted and soon after they got an endowment to create a performance art piece entitled “Help” that could only be viewed in its entirety from an aerial perspective. The tribbles had formed themselves into three giant letters: S.O.S.

FIN

Stamas Promise

For those of you who are not a Stamas Bro or don’t even have the Stamas last name, we’ve come up with a phrase that can help you properly pronounce “Stamas.” The phrase is what our mission is which is “Stamas Promise.” So in other words, if you pronounce “Stamas” so that it rhymes with “Promise” you’ll be pronouncing Stamas properly. It’s as easy as that!

And as mentioned the “Stamas Promise” is our mission. We promise to bring you the best in Stamas blog posts and more. Our vision is a world where people properly pronounce our last name, not as Stamos but as Stamas. Imagine if you went up to John Stamos and called him Mr. Stamas. He might get upset and not pose for a selfie.