What NOT to Do if You Ever Find Yourself in a Straightjacket in a Padded Room


Please note that the following article is completely devoid of a sense of humor. So if you find yourself chuckling, this was not the intent of the author and he asks that you kindly frown and mope around, masking the desire to giggle (especially if it’s for the wrong reasons).

The Tension Mounts

Stamas Bro Homer, who lives in NYC, although well into his 50’s, suddenly realizes he is over the age of the big “5 – 0” and has a mental breakdown complete with seeing spirals and everything! Turns out the main cause of him becoming a basket case is that because of losing his mind he hasn’t been able to finally get down to to the point of writing the post you are reading right now!

At All Cost

Keeping the StamasBros.com brand alive is extremely important to Stamas Bro Homer, so once being locked up in an insane asylum didn’t help matters. He had just been asked to consult on the Platinum PIAs, but that was simply a distant memory at the moment, tick tock tick tock. The goal was to use any kind of therapy necessary so he could be rehabilitated to the point of being able to continue composing this article.


Stamas Bro Aristotle, who resides in the exact center of California (it’s marked by a stone, seriously), had to go a little “off center” in order to drive to the airport to then come into New York City to check in on his brother. Once in the Big Apple, and on his way to the institution Homer is being kept in, Aristotle purchases a postcard that has on it the phrase “Greetings from New York.” Hmmm.

Could Take a While

Meanwhile, the members of the psychiatric staff supervising Stamas Bro Homer, are attempting to bring him back to sanity by using Goatee Therapy. This therapy takes a while because the patient has to actually grow a goatee beard.

Too Bad it Wasn’t as Simple as Resting Easy and Drinking Lots of Fluids

What the staff didn’t anticipate was that Homer’s beard would have grey specks in it, which because he was experiencing Age-Itis withdrawals, merely sent Stamas Bro Homer more deeply into his psychosis. He had an impaired relationship with reality complete with hallucinations and delusions about his birth date as well as falsely believing he is really-really good at playing Monopoly, Sponge Bob Edition. Or for that matter, the Pokemon one.


Stamas Bro Aristotle was now in a cab on his way to the mental institution while the staff in the hospital room with Homer try another strategy. This time they dye his hair and beard dark brown to match his natural hair color in an attempt to fake him into into thinking he is twenty years younger.

Unfortunately Stamas Bro Homer Still Has Problems

In the next installment of the Stamas Bros we have a lot of questions to answer: will hair/beard dying work as a therapy? Or it just make a mess that’s hard to clean up? Can Stamas Bro Aristotle bring Homer back to reality with Shamanism? Or is it Animism? Not quite sure. Will the Stamas Bros still be able to consult on the Platinum PIAs? And why did Aristotle purchase a “Greetings from New York” postcard? Who does he intend to send it to? But I digress. The most important question of all is “When will Stamas Bro Homer ever get a chance to actually write the post you are now reading?!”